I describe depression as an oppressive illness that invades one’s body and silences the spirit. It insidiously erodes one’s senses – making them dull, flat and one-dimensional. Depression had encased me in a dark, hopeless indifference to living – physically exhausted, emotionally numb and withdrawn from the world. Virtually every anti-depressant I tried didn’t work.
With a deep interest in research and a working knowledge of medicine, armed with the Internet and with the support of my doctor, I kept searching for options even when there didn't appear to be any. Something in me couldn't give up. In the fall of 2013, I read about repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) and found out about an upcoming trial at CAMH’s Temerty Centre for Therapeutic Brain Intervention using rTMS to treat major depression. I was accepted into the study in February 2014.
After participating in this CAMH research study that gave me the chance to try a new treatment for my depression, I feel as though I’ve gone from existing to living, and from surviving to thriving.
rTMS uses magnetic pulses to stimulate specific areas of the brain that researchers believe are underactive in people with depression. My rTMS treatment was just over three minutes a day, five days a week, for six weeks. The treatment was virtually painless, and I had no side effects. I wondered how it could possibly work.
By the end of the third week of treatment, for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I deserved to be here. No treatment had ever allowed me to experience a sense of peace like I had now.
For me, depression was very self-stigmatizing. I spoke to no one about the challenges I experienced, and no one knew of my participation in the trial.
So, why did I decide to speak publicly; what changed my mind? I had been empowered by science and health research. This treatment broke down the walls of the concrete prison I lived in when depressed, and provided me with a clarity and understanding that this illness wasn't a choice and I wasn't weak. I made the decision that, with all the challenges I’ve faced and may face in the future, stigma won't be one of them.
I believe that I have a responsibility to advocate for others. Even though I knew where to look for information about clinical trials and research, the majority of people do not. Everyone should have the right to find out about and participate in research that could potentially restore their health and improve their quality of life.
In order to better understand these complex illnesses, to develop better tests, more effective treatments and one day cures, we need Hope, and I believe that Hope IS Research.
Health Canada has approved repetitive transcranial brain stimulation (rTMS) to treat depression in people who have tried existing medications or psychotherapy without any success. The Ontario Health Technology Advisory Committee has recommended for rTMS to be offered as a publicly funded treatment for treatment-resistant depression under certain conditions, and rTMS is covered in several other provinces.
